Earth & Sea Holistic Therapies Fact Sheet: How to manage anger in your relationships

Earth & Sea Holistic Therapies subscribe to the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors (AIPC) RSS Feeds. We received the following article and felt it was a good idea to share the information contained within.



The article contains practicable ways to recognise, acknowledge and correct the behaviours that cause anger to surface. It is particularly important to note that communication styles play a big part in all relationships; communication is covered in this article, however we will base our next fact sheet on the four styles of communication (aggressive, assertive, passive, and indirect).


Source: http://www.aipc.net.au/articles/?p=235
Author: Zahava Starak www.zahava.com.au/about



Anger is an emotion that although not classified as either good or bad can damage a relationship if it is not understood or dealt with in an appropriate manner. It is only human to get angry now and then at issues that are important to us.


If left unaddressed anger can become abusive and may be just one more symptom of a dysfunctional relationship. In this article we are not entering the realms of abusive anger but are exploring how to control anger so it does not escalate and impede the flow of an otherwise healthy relationship.


Why do you get angry?


Anger is not an emotion that inflicts everybody. Some people due to their inherited predispositions and their life experience may be more prone to anger responses than others. Major causes can be:


1. Modelling influences


2. Personality predisposition


3. Limiting attitudes and beliefs


4. Wrong doings by others


5. Communication mishaps


Modelling influences


If as a child you have witnessed either of your parents or other significant people in your life regularly acting out in anger without any negative repercussions you may have learned that it is acceptable to show anger. You may have also concluded that it is okay to be the recipient of anger.


These learned behaviours may now be practiced in your present day relationships, but the consequences may be different from what you observed in the past.


Personality predispositions


Although there are mixed views as to whether or not we can inherit personality traits such as shyness, depression and anger, there is some evidence to support the fact that predispositions to certain behaviours are transferred from one family member to another.


This does not mean that you are doomed to be an angry man or woman just because your father and great grandmother showed anger, but it is best to be aware that there might be a tendency for anger in your inherited make up.


Whether this predisposition will result in angry behaviour is very much determined by different factors such as the influence of any other personality traits and environmental determinants.


Such information on ‘who you are’ can be helpful when creating strategies to deal with your anger in your relationship.


Limited attitudes and beliefs


Anger is not necessarily generated by the events in your relationship but by the thoughts and beliefs you hold. Often these beliefs stem from cognitive distortions, assumptions, judgements and expectations. When your partner by an action or lack of action triggers one of these beliefs your response is that of anger. Some common thoughts you may hold about your relationship are:


• You must always treat me nicely


• I’m always right so do not argue with me


• I should have all my expectations and needs met by you


• You should do what I say


• If I don’t agree with you, you’ll be mad at me so I say nothing


• Why can’t you do things right?


• The world isn’t fair and you can’t see this


• Things must run smoothly in our relationship and they don’t


Whenever these thoughts or similar ones are stirred by incidents both relevant and external to your relationship your fuse is lit, you lose control and act out in anger.


Wrong doings by others and your partner


It is almost impossible to go through life without experiencing inappropriate behaviours from others, including your partner. These wrongdoings can result in resentments and may sit with you and unexpectedly may pop up as anger responses.


Unless these wrongdoings are addressed anger may hover over your relationship indefinitely.


Communication mishaps


If there is a communication breakdown in your relationship as you or your partner fail to listen to each other’s feelings and acknowledge each other’s point of view angry outbursts may be the result. Once you add assumptions and judgements to the communication mix anger may dominate the relationship style of both partners.


When making assumptions you are sending a message to your partner that you know better than them what they are ‘really’ feeling and thinking. Your partner may feel that you do not respect them and with time resentments may accumulate, emotions may fester and anger will rise to the surface.


Just as important as the words you communicate are the non verbal cues you may be transmitting. Your partner can easily pick up on any hidden judgements and criticisms from your tone of voice and body manner, and may respond to you in anger.


Having a general understanding about the ‘why’ of anger may give you a head start in devising ways to manage anger in your relationship.


Strategies you can implement to control anger in your relationship


Recognise your anger cues


If you were aware of the situational and physical aspects that triggered your angry responses you could take steps to avoid them or at least find ways to minimise their impact. If for example your temper is provoked every time you ask your partner for help on a project and they do a bad job, you could just stop asking them. Perhaps your partner has friends or relatives that rub you the wrong way. Unless it is imperative that you spend time with them and therefore may need some additional strategies, avoid stress and anger by steering clear of these sources of irritation.


Change your angry thinking


As the thoughts you hold about your relationship surface and you become annoyed that your partner is not living up to your expectations a burst of anger is just around the corner. Listen to how you talk to yourself when you are angry as your thinking can get very exaggerated and quite dramatic as you fall victim to distorted thinking.


What can you do? Distorted thinking can be countered with rational comebacks such as checking out the situation and the validity of your thoughts; regaining perspective; changing your thoughts to more reasonable ones; and generally being more flexible in your thinking.


Once you have control of your thoughts you have control of your anger and your relationship is safe from the repercussions of inappropriate anger.


Improve your communication


As anger is an emotion it is important for you to become familiar with it and any other emotions that contribute to anger. The best way to do this is by beginning to talk about your feelings on a daily basis. Use “I feel…” statements as often as you feel an emotion emerging, and don’t be afraid to express negative feelings to your partner, as well as any positive ones. It may be helpful to keep a Feelings Journal in which you can record your emotions, and then review the ones that are positive and the ones that contribute to your anger.


The more familiar you are with your emotions the better you will be able to control the negative ones and express yourself in a more positive manner.


Probably the best piece of advise on offer is: “Keep Cool”. The first thing to do when in midst of a heated discussion is to slow down, keep your cool, and think of your response. While doing this also listen carefully to what the other person is saying. With a clear head you can then express your feelings and your views.


To avoid triggering anger in your partner eliminate the use of assumptions, accusations and judgements in your language. Try and use assertive talk and avoid any aggressive statements. You can also consider adding some Problem Solving skills to your communication tool box. Communication is always a big topic but even one change to your communication style may significantly influence your use of anger in your relationship.


Taking time out


When you are immersed in a fiery discussion in which your fuse has already been ignited consider taking time out from the situation for at least 30 minutes so that you can physically calm down and mentally rethink your position.


While cooling down you can work out what you could have done to deal more constructively with the situation by reviewing your self talk and the flow of the discussion. If necessary a quick walk can release some tension and allow you to think more clearly.


At the end of time out you may be able to resume your discussion but if anger feelings still loom and you cannot as yet address them it may be necessary to reschedule the discussion for when you and your partner are feeling calmer.


Stress management


Although we have not mentioned it as yet stress is a major contributor to angry outbursts. When you are stressed your tolerance to deal with your anger triggers is minimal, strategies fall by the wayside and you can easily explode in an angry rage.


It therefore makes sense to practice some form of stress management in addition to anger management. Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery implemented on a regular basis can help minimise anger episodes as well as calm down angry feelings when they arise.


Yoga and meditation have also proved beneficial in calming mind and body. Your diet and the amount of sleep you get all contribute to your level of stress. By making any necessary changes you can improve both your ability to temper your anger and your quality of life.


Anger is one of our more dominant emotions. Although we view it as a negative feeling there are times when anger may be a legitimate emotion, and it may just be a matter of learning how to appropriately express it.


In this article we have looked at anger as a disruption to your relationship, and as such you have been provided with some insights into the cause of anger and strategies to deal with it.


I will leave you now with three actions you can take to help you understand your own anger and how to deal with it.


1. List 2 things that your partner does that triggers your anger. Now write down 2 strategies that you can use the next time you are provoked.


2. Try to think of 2 thoughts that counteract your anger thoughts and write them down as anger management statements.


3. When feeling annoyed or frustrated with your partner think of a productive physical activity that you can use during your time out.

My world famous Pumpkin & Goats Cheese Tart

Ingredients

• 10x (approx 55gm) eggs whisked
• 100ml (approx) milk
• 1x tblspn french mustard
• 1/4 cup parmesan cheese
• 1x 200gm? pkt South Cape Goats Cheese (or any other brand your heart desires)
• 1x (about 500gm) large piece of Jap pumpkin diced into 2.5cm cubes
• 6x french shallots sliced
• 4x cloves garlic sliced
• 100gm pinenuts
• 1x large handful rocket leaves chopped
• 1x cup basil leaves shredded
• Mazetti 4 hat aged balsamic vinegar
• Good quality olive oil
• Sea salt flakes
• Pepper
• Puff pastry (at least 3x sheets) 

Method

• Pre-heat oven to 250 degrees.
• Grease 12 capacity non-stick muffin tins or a large non-stick frypan (if using large frypan you will need to blind bake for 20mins, the muffin tins don't need to be blind baked).
• If using muffin tins, cut pastry into circles (I use a large ramekin as the template) and press into muffin tins. An alternative is to purchase the "Glad" brand "Cafe style" muffin cases and make frittatas without using pastry. This is a great shortcut if you are time poor or the muffin tins are likely to catch the pastry.
• If using a large frypan, simply line the pan with at least two sheets of puff pastry then blind bake.
• Place diced pumpkin, sliced french shallots, sliced garlic and pinenuts in oven proof dish. Coat well with aged balsamic and olive oil. Add a generous amount of sea salt flakes and black pepper.
• Roast pumpkin mix in oven for approximately 15mins (or until pumpkin just cooked). Check pumpkin mix after 10mins and stir to ensure even cooking.
• If using large frypan, remove blind baked pastry from oven after 20mins and set aside.
• In a large mixing bowl, combine eggs, mustard, milk and parmesan. Whisk until combined and set aside.
• Shred rocket leaves and basil and set aside.
• Cut goats cheese into little cubes and set aside.
• When the pumpkin mix is cooked, reduce oven temperature to about 200 degrees.
• If using muffin tins, divide pumpkin mix and goats cheese evenly amongst 2x12 capacity muffin tins then pour egg mix until the muffin tins are just full. Then place in oven to cook.
• If using frypan, mix rocket and basil through the pumpkin mix and turn out into the frypan. Top with goats cheese and add egg mix. Then place in oven to cook.
• Tarts made in muffin tins will take approximately 20mins to cook (check after 10mins).
• Tarts made in frypan will take approximately 1 hour to cook. Reduce the oven temperature to 180 degrees for the first 45mins and cook uncovered. Then cover with foil and continue to cook until set.
• Muffin tin tarts: once cooked, remove from pans and allow to cool on a wire rack.
• Frypan tarts: once cooked, allow to rest in the pan (still covered with foil) for about 5mins; then remove foil, place a large plate atop the tart and turn tart out. Place another large plate on bottom of tart, and turn up the right way.
• You are now ready to serve!!
• Serve with a rocket, parmesan and pear salad.

Eat with passion and joy!
Enjoy :)

Seek > Create > Live

When we're cooking, our minds are working. When we're stirring and rolling and baking, we're thinking. Thinking creates vibrations because that's what thoughts do. The vibrations affect both the food and the people who eat the food. So, cook with care; pay attention to what you are thinking; and don't forget that in the best of recipes, love is the secret ingredient. ~ thoughtfortoday.co.uk

Latest GetUp! Campaign: Women Speak Out

Women are being shamefully overlooked in this election by politicians and the media. The turn of female voters away from Tony Abbott is being dismissed as a turn towards Julia Gillard's gender, while Tony Abbott's archaic and indefensible views on issues affecting women go unexamined and unchallenged.

That all ends today. Watch our new video from GetUp women, putting Tony's words on the record for all Australians to see: http://www.getup.org.au/campaign/WomenSpeakOut

Politicians from all sides are mistakenly assuming that women will simply vote along gender lines. It's beyond condescending, but it also misses the point: political leadership is about so much more. It's about where you stand, who you respect, and what you'll do from a position of power.

It's time to get to the truth. Women and men alike will be shocked by the quotes in this video, each and every line expressed by Tony Abbott himself. See for yourself now, and help put the message on air: http://www.getup.org.au/campaign/WomenSpeakOut

This video features GetUp members--women who have dared to speak Mr Abbott's own words back to him for all Australians to see. They're words that many Australians will find deeply disturbing. Even if you think you've seen and heard it all from Mr Abbott: his absolute opposition to abortion, his daring to weigh in on something as personal as a woman's virginity, his opposition to the cervical cancer vaccine, you have to watch this ad - now. Then chip in to ensure every other Australian gets to see it too: http://www.getup.org.au/campaign/WomenSpeakOut

Throughout his political career, Tony Abbott has advocated views more appropriate to 1910 than 2010. Now, as he asks voters to make him the next Prime Minister of our country, we need him to bring his views into the 21st century.

As Mr Abbott reaches a leading position in the polls, we need to know where he stands. Is climate change still "absolute crap"? Is abortion still just a question of a woman's "convenience"? Is it still "folly" to expect women to ever approach equal representation in all areas of public life? Click here to watch the ad, and get the real questions heard and answered this election.

Thank you for changing this election,
The GetUp Team